Isn't it sad when you get hurt so much and you can finally say ''i'm used to it''

Sorry for the long hiatus. The last time I posted a post was like 5 years ago.. 
Anyways,  I guess I just decided to start writing again, just my random thoughts I feel I can't share with people and it's good for the soul though. I had an emotional breakdown last month and no doubt it emotionally fucked me up. That was the worst one in a long time. Not to mention why it happened, though. It just happened. I didn’t see the shits coming, I was in a shock for quite sometime. I was thinking things like ”Everything was fine a few days ago, how can this happen to me.” The good news is shock will not last for long. The bad news is shock is probably the easiest of emotions you will have to go through. Sadness. This is the phase where I just felt sad throughout the day. I got up in the morning, dragged my feet to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and my pathetic face thinking, “Will I ever be happy again?” I can feel that something is not right like I've been taking things too seriously. Like I don't matter to anyone. I hope it just me who feel this way, just me. . I know I've drifted apart from so many people who have always been there for me. Not a nice feeling. 

I admit, I have a small circle of friends but only God knows how grateful I am to have them in my life few friendships that I do have are worth keeping a hold of. How they would make time for me when I'm sad I love my friends. I’m thankful, I’m thankful that I have these people in my life now. Who whould I be today if it weren’t them. New life, new drama. One by one each of us will get married, hopefully. Settle down and start a family. Who knows, in 10 years time it would be one of our weddings ? I don’t know what to expect. I’ve slacked a lot this year. I really need to buck up. Especially since I don’t have a plan on what I’m doing with my life. This has gotta change, hopefully. 

My apologies for my recent absence.

 

To be honest, this year has been an amazing year for me. Despite the fact that I had a slight misunderstanding with my best friend. But we have made up anyway. Everyone has their new year resolutions, as for me, I have no new resolutions because I think things come along the way and planning doesnt help somtimes. know this is the time of year when we are all supposed to start promising ourselves with new resolutions.  However, I just hope that next year will be much better than this year.

I realized many new things this year. I learned not to think too much on your problems in life, they are just test given by God to test you and to see how you handle the problems. and never ever put yourself down. The more you put yourself down, the more the tendency for you to pity yourself and expect others to pity you too. And when no one pity you, you'll be even more dissapointed. You know, if things didn't go as you wanted it's probably for a reason. 

Annnd not to give up on anything you do. I'm not going to lie but this might sounds pretty dumb, my grades in monthly test weren't that good, I must say. I didnt get straight A's in my monthly test. I got devastated because all my dreams were going to go down the drain. But with my parents and friends support, I didnt give a damn and I ignored everyone who were trying to make me feel bad about it. And I started to get good grades.:-)

Good things happened to me this year as well. PMR results were announced last Thursday and I didn't get the chance to update my blog bout it. Hmm well to be honest,  it was quite a blow for me. I didn't expect to get 8A's and I thought I would only have gotten 7A and 1B. The B is of course living skills. My Living Skill standard was usually around 70 during past exams. I guess i was lucky ! :D But Alhamdullilah, I managed to get the straight A's for my parents and for myself ! After I informed my family that I got straight A's, they were shoo happy and proud of me. Oh well, I love that feeling. The feeling of being loved.

I'd like to take this oppurtunity to wish you a Happy New Year as I won't be posting for the rest of the week. 

As some of you might have already know, I've taken off my braces, but no I still have my bottom braces. So now, I'm wearing this palatal expander and retainer which is  used to widened my upper teeth. I have to wear this expander for few months till my mouth is wide enough. My teeth hurt as fuck. lol I'm getting a little used to it but now my problem is, everytime I bite or chew foods, my upper teeth will start hurting and I keep bitting for a while then let go, they will hurt even more.

But thank God my dentist gave me the removable expander so that it'd be easier for me to take off the expander to eat and clean/brush the expander. I'm in intense pain whenever I turn the expander and my tounge is getting awful sores on it. Annd when I talk, I sound so stranfe and I just hate this fucking stupid expander T.T

First of all, novemeber is coming to an end.  Look how fast 2011 passes by. So yeah, as you can see, I changed my blog link. Only my trusted people know my new link. I don't want unnecessary people to read my blog. And judge my posts, Telling people that I'm posting about them. I am moving forward and I will never ever look back ever again. Because whatever that I had before, it's behind me now. I am a new person, a new person with hopes and faiths and dreams.

I've changed my blogger template to the simple design template. I've been wanting to change it for few weeks but I don't have the time to do so, yeap white background looks a bit dull and that shows how my life is. Ha Ha. Anyway, my holidays did not turned out as I planned but nnonetheless, enjoying it all the way. Been baking, reading some books and cooking. So I guess, I'm not wasting my time, huh ?

I'm looking forward for my Bandung trip with my family this 17th December. My dad will be following us too. It's been a long time since I went for a holiday with dad. So yeah, lots of pictures will coming your way. :-) Will be there for 5 Days, and after I get back, I'll be taking my PMR results. o_o It's freaking scary, yknow. Whatever it is, I'll just hope for the best. Whatever my results gonna be, I'll just accept it with all my heart.

Me Gusta

I used to hate to read. I never understood that. I now, love reading books. It's like a movie, only longer, more imaginative, better, and longer. Books are so much fun, and one of the cheapest forms of entertainment that can be had practically anywhere. 

Yeap, I love travelling. It's fun and educational. I don't get why people say travelling is a waste of money. I mean like c'mon, you'll get to see new things, try new foods, try new things, and just learn more about the world in general. It creates a sense of adventure and the excitement of exploring..Oh well, of course I've never been to Italy before. Hoping to get there before I die. lol

 

Its hard to keep a friendship strong but it almost always fizzles out.

There you go, a picture of my best friends. Oh well, I consider us best friends, but I don't know if my friends consider the friendship in the same way. I mean, we're almost inseperable and are basically like sisters. Also, recently I feel as though I'm losing this friend, but I don't want to bring the issue up because I don't want to start any drama.Anyway, they cheerish my day in school. We can't be separated and even teachers noticed the same that we always do things together. Aifa is moving next year. So, we don't know what to do without her in my life. We hang out with her almost eveyday, we do everything together. she's the only place I tell all my problems, we laugh at our jokes together. They are like the best friends I have ever had. And I'm serious about this. We share our secrets, we laugh, we play, they give me the best advice, cheer me up when I'm sad. They have been there for me for alot of things and we are all alike in almost everyway. I love being around them. We laugh like non-stop and have so many inside jokes. I just met them last year, but I don't know how I could live without them :3 

and yeah ;

I LOVE YOU GUYS ♥

People think that I am tough but the truth is that is only on the outside. I admit that I’m quite weak inside.Sometimes I feel disconnected and no one truly understands what I feel. I also find myself not interested in what people say or do sometimes because there are always errands for me to run and things I have to get done. I look at other people and they don't seem to have the same problem..at least they are so much better than me. It's like I am such a loser to a point that I don't care about what I feel anymore and even sometimes the steps that I take, walking seems to require a lot of effort.

Result is said coming out on 22nd of December which is in 31 days from now. But you know what, I'm really, really trying to escape from all these stressness of knowing how my results are going to be. If I don't get 8A's, I'd definitely cry a river. I know, it's not good to ''cry over spilt milk.'' There are just so many reasons why I want to get straight A's. Besides wanting to get into good class next year, I studied so hard and put all my effort on studying. I want to show my parents, my family that I can do even better than my sister and anyone else. Now, what if I don't get straight A's ?

Before the PMR period, I always felt like I was dumb. Not just dumb, but beyond dumb. During the PMR period, I thought I could do it. Now, after so long of not studying anymore and all, I feel stupid and starting to question myself whether I can get those A's or not. But yeah it's true that this is not the end of the journey. It's only PMR, I still have my SPM etc.
 
Since PMR over, there's nothing to do. Really. But it's time to explore everything. You don't have much time till you actually suffer again. Like what my senior said, 'being 16 is difficult, I don't ever wanna be 16 ever again' She's actually making myself even more afraid -.-

There's this one girl who is extremely straightforward and insults people about their looks towards people. It's fine to be straightforward though, but you should probably reconsider your delivery. Words can't be taken back. Once you've said something that can offend people, they'll still remember the words till their last breath. I seriously can't stand with this kind of people.

It's totally different when people are straight forward about general thoughts or ideas. But really, saying 'oh, you're ugly' or 'gelap gila kau' is being straightforward in a distasteful manner, totally completely different thing. Or at least, if you still want to let it all out, do Indirectly state what you feel. Oh god, I bet your parents have have taught you to consider peoples feelings and the consequences of your actions.-.-

Oh hi hello,

Have you guys heard the news that the Government is going to change the form 4 syllabus to BM. Yes I'm Malay but I strictly don't agree to learn Maths and science in BM. Well It's not that I don't support it. Yup, the kids in rural areas can't speak English. I'm not saying that KL people can speak english fluently, no offence but I see 80% of my schoolmates can't speak English very well either. Isn't learning in English is like..the best way to improve our english ? Really.

Anyone that goes to government school will able to understand BM, as much as everyone likes it but pretending like they don't. It's pointless anyway to change the langguage. I just think it's not that great to change over the Form 4 syllabus next year. Even if they insist to change, at last change the syllabus for the kids in standard 1 and form 1 next year. Well because they can at least grasp the basics in Malay. It is very inconvinient for us to learn everything back in BM.

Even if we don't agree this case, they are not going to change it back in english anyway. So don't be over dramatic.It's not the end of the world. They are just going to change the syllabus. Some people just take this matter too seriously. They are stick to it. They ARE NOT going to change it back in English. So.. yeah let's face it.

I know I haven't been updating my blog like for a long time already. Nah don't worry. I won't be closing the tabs on this one again. I go completely blank when it comes to writing. I just can't write. I only know how to express myself. That is it.
So..

I have now started thinking about wearing the hijab full time. Yup, I only wear tudung when I go to school. I told my parents bout this and they have come to be supportive of me. Well but not to my sisters, they seem like not to agree with this. Of course I wouldn't not wear the hijab because of the reactions of my friends, but that's something that also makes me nervous. Well, I admire so much women who choose to dress modestly and wear the hijab, I think it is so beautiful and admirable. 

But to come to think of it, I'm actually not ready to wear hijab full time yet. But If I free-hair in school, the teachers will ask this and people will start shitting me. But If I didn't free hair-I will start doubting myself and asking this questions in my  mind. Like, few days ago. I went to my aunty's tahlil and there were two kids asking me why am I not wearing hijab. They are only like what....8 years old. It's like somedays, I wanna wear but then other days, I don't think I'm ready. I don't know what is there to be ready. But really, thinking how much sins I had everyday, I went out without hijab , how many boys looked at me and they also had sins because of me. It's miserable.

I shouldn't worry about this anyway but it would be a big life change for me I feel. Anyhow, even Allah mentioned in Qur'an that Hijab is required to wear when you have reached puberty. It doesn't matter if I feel it awkward. I still, need to wear it. It's like hijab is an obligation upon all Muslim women and Muslim girls. :|

6 FREAKING DAYS TILL PMR

You know that feeling you get when every pretty thing crumbles to dust the moment you lay your hands on them? That is exactly how I feel right now, at this very moment. It's like I can't even trust myself to hold on to something as precious without letting go and ruining everything mere seconds later.In a more optimistic point of view, I'd say this is one of Allah's tribulations for me, to test my Iman and to see how I handle every single thing that is being tossed straight to my face.

Not forgetting to toughen me up for the real world where everything would most definitely be ten times as nasty.I really wish I was a kid again. I wish I could stay 5 and carefree forever. Having a picturesque image of the world sketched in my mind without any signs of darkness looming around. Only having to worry about the Sunday morning cartoon shows and sleep as late as 9 o'clock.

But then, reality will always strike at the exact moment and pull be back to here and now.But there's also this part of me -not as prominent though- that wishes to grow and see what the world is like, and learn the hard way on how to achieve happiness and Allah's blessings. I guess everything depends on me, my choices and outputs on everything will have an impact on, well, my future.

So my wish to all PMR candidates out there, do your best ! :-D

I will no go online unless I absolutely have to. I know, it's really late for me to have finally realised that I no longer have much time left. I have been fooling around, slacking and not bothering about my studies for way too long. I didn't care about my Mid Terms. I didn't care about any exam I've sat for for the past few years. But this isn't a joke, this isn't just another school exam. This is a real, big exam for me.

One that will determine my future. And I must not waste any more time mucking about when I really should be studying. I don't want to settle for a pass. I want great marks. I want to pass with flying colours. I want to get into a good SBP or MRSM and study overseas. I do not want to be a failure in life. I do not want to settle for less. I am tired of settling for less just cause I keep telling myself that I am not good enough. If I don't try, I will never know.

And so now, I will take the initiate to do my best. To study hard. To achieve those A's. To make my parents proud of me. And, to make myself proud. I want to prove to my CLASSMATES that me, can get those A's. I don't want people to look down on me. I don't want my teachers to lose their faith on me. I just don't want all those to happen to me. No.

So for the next few weeks, I will study my ass off. If a lot of things happen and I miss out on them just because I didn't go on Facebook or Twitter or whatever, I don't care. Sacrifices will have to be made. My education is of number one importance now.

Oh my god, this exam is sooooo scary. :@ I'm scared that I won't remember a thing for scales. wekkk. I hate it when I practise and practise and practise and I still gt it wrong during exams.

hehe, sweet nya my koay-teow buddy ! :D

So let see , PMR is just a heartbeat away and i dont think im actually ready for it but oh well , the faster it comes the faster it finishes right. I just cant wait for it to end ! I have sooo many plans after PMR and i hope everything goes well , insyaAllah :) But for now, i need to put everything aside. My love life, all my problems, my 'paranoid' feeling and everything.

My friends, We're gonna go through this together like we did last year for your exam kan? :-) please , no more distractions, fights , arguements. :p so Anyway, all the best for the UPSR and PMR candidates:)

I always feel depressed and lonely and keep it to myself,I don't cry in front of people but when im alone i cry all the time, No, I'm not seeking for attention. It's just that, when I cry it feels like I'm letting all the burden away from my shoulder. When I feel depressed, I begin to think more negatively. I give up hope, I give up on life.

I just don't feel like doing anything, I just don't feel like talking to anyone at all, especially my parents. I have no idea why am I even like that. I don't feel like facing the world. I just want to hide myself away under my pillow and cry. I just wish to be all alone . It's tough when my parents seem like they couldn't care less about me and what as how you are. I know, I'm not that smart. I used to be smart when I was in primary school. Well, not so smart. But still.

When I told my mom my results, she was like ''oh, you got to work harder''. She didn't say ''well, i'm proud of no matter what.'' no, nothing. I feel so down. I'm such a loser. I'm the stupidest in class. Why ? It's not that I didn't study. Ugh

I swear i'm dying inside. I need a shoulder to cry on , someone to wipe my tears , someone to comfort me. I need all of those. I can't take anymore pressure , i'm so stressed out I think i'm going out of my mind. I'm smart I don't want to share my issues with anybody so what do I do? I cry for all the wrong reasons , like for example I got with people so fucking badly i'm embarrassed to be from that damn school. And so I cried but actually I had a few things on my mind as well which was making me upset too. This psycho is trying to influence me to smoke cause apparently it 'reliefs' stress , but no way i'm sucking that shit